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Undead Putin Sucks the Blood of Innocents (Probably)

April Fool's...Or as we used to say in Soviet Union, "Only April Fool is he who think he can dig own turnip"

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Many amusing articles have graced the blogosphere noting Russian president Vladimir Putin’s resemblance to figures throughout history. From France’s Louis XII to the American Revolutionary war hero the Marquis de Lafayette, readers have gotten a lot of laughs out of pointing out that Putin just has “one of those faces.”

I've come...to speak to you in a cartoonish Slavic accent...BAHAHAHAHA

But a new report suggests there is something more sinister at play.

“We now have proof, definitive proof, that Vladimir Putin, as he is known today, is probably some subspecies of undead succubus-type beast, probably a vampire,” UK Prime Minister David Cameron told the BBC today. “This report handed to me today by MI6 and their partners in Ukrainian intelligence and the Central Intelligence Agency in the United States proves, once and for all, that Russia is being led by a vampire, and he should be removed from power -- forcibly if necessary.”

When asked to provide copies of the Ukraine/MI6/CIA report, Cameron demurred: “It’s classified. I can only report on the details. It just proves what we’ve been saying all along about Putin.”

Mysteriously, details of the report were leaked to major Western news outlets, causing a media and internet firestorm.

CNN’s Don Lemon asked Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland to elaborate. “Look, we’ve always known he was an incubus, hobgoblin, and nightmarish spawn of Lucifer,” Nuland cheerfully stated, interrupting her tour of a Keebler cookie plant to speak to CNN. “And we want to help the citizens of Russia live in Toll House, I mean, freedom and Nabisco, I mean, democracy. Of course, Russian citizens will have to be gently punished for knowingly supporting a soul-sucking beast, but it’s only so they can learn a valuable lesson.”

Nuland has denied reports that one of her democracy-promotion dossiers endorsed requiring all Russian citizens to write “I will not tell lies” in their own blood following a NATO takeover of their country. 

“Pardon me, but this is poppycock,” said Dr. Stephen F. Cohen on the John Batchelor Show. “How many of these reports have they come up with now? One said he was an alien, another said he was an elf from the North Pole. And the other rumors that he has all sorts of mental and physical ailments -- are they really this desperate? Why don’t they ever talk about Putin in any normal terms, or focus on real concerns real Russians have? The answer is simple: Our media and government establishment can’t demonize another world leader for privatizing services like health care, because that’s how we do things in here the U.S.”

Cohen has been called a Putin apologist.

Historical Ties
However, it’s hard to argue against the facts presented in the report. The Daily Beast ran an in-depth exposé of Putin’s historical machinations.

“There’s a definite link between Vladimir Putin and Gilbert du Motier, also known as the Marquis de Lafayette,” stated The Daily Beast staff writer Anna Nemtsova. “Lafayette pretended to be an ally of the American colonists, but really, as the report states, we know from facial analysis that he was, in fact, Putin.”

Asked why Putin would disguise himself as an 18th century French aristocrat in order to help the moderate American rebels defeat the British, Russia analyst Michael Weiss told Vice: “That’s simple. His goal was to take down the most powerful country in the West. At that time, it was Britain. Now, his focus has shifted to America, the world’s first, last, only, and bestest superpower. This simply means the creature currently known as Putin has been wreaking havoc on the Western establishment for centuries.”

Portrait of Putin as Lafayette, the early modern French caption translating roughly to, "Hey, girl."

“Of course, he helped the American colonists attain self-rule, but his ultimate goal was chaos,” writes Nemtsova.

“Let’s not forget that the beginning of the United States spelled the end for native peoples,” insisted Weiss. “The responsibility for genocide of the indigenous Americans can now be laid squarely at Putin’s doorstep.”

Russian-born journalist Masha Gessen’s editorial for The New York Times links Putin to France’s Louis XII. “I don’t need facts, like DNA analysis, or logic, such as arguments against the existence of vampires, to tell me that Louis XII and Putin are one in the same. Under Louis XII, France invaded Italy, and wanted to control Naples, just like how Putin wants to control all of Europe, and the Arctic. It’s not 19th century behavior...It’s 15th century behavior.”

According to Gessen: "I just think he has cooties."

Putin: Time-Traveler or Vampire?

At an emergency press conference called today to address the leaked report, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest fielded questions from members of the press corps.

A Washington Post reporter asked Earnest, “How do we know that this isn’t just a simple case of time travel?”

“The president is taking this matter very seriously,” Earnest replied. “We’ve managed to rule out time travel, and we’re focusing much more on the vampire theory. I mean, it’s not a theory. It’s more of a fact at this point. Like, you know, probably.”

Earnest pointed to a woodcut print of the Salem Witch Trials, leaked from the report, to elaborate his point.

“Check out that guy in the corner between the bench and the wall. He kinda looks like Putin,” Earnest concluded. “Look, Putin’s a dude with an Eastern European accent who preys on innocent, unsuspecting Western Europeans. Read Stoker if you don’t believe me.”

“He has been working to destroy the West for hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years,” stated George Soros on MSNBC, live via satellite from his private villa on the planet Tatooine. “I am proposing a UN resolution to censure Putin for his involvement in the Salem Witch Trials.”

Soros responds

“Of course, we don’t have any proof Putin ever sucked anybody’s blood,” Radek Sikorski told The Huffington Post. “That’s because his victims are too afraid to come forward.”

“Just be glad he isn’t a chupacabra,” former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice laughingly told a gathering of Ukrainian teens Wednesday, referring to the legendary Latin American creature.  “I mean, those things eviscerate goats.”

“We’re not goats; we’re kids,” rejoined Olga Kovalenko, a 15-year-old from Korosten, in northern Ukraine. “And we trusted you.”

U.S. Anti-Vampire Coalition Formed; Promises Immediate Action

The American political establishment is responding swiftly to the news. “It seems the American freedom fighters were deceived by Lafayette,” Arizona Sen. John McCain said in a joint statement with South Carolina, Sen. Lindsay Graham.

Graham fainted on the Senate floor after being presented with the report, and had to be revived with smelling salts. “It’s not the first time we were fooled into thinking the French were our friends, only to be cruelly deceived by those heartless, heartless men,” Graham stated, cooling himself with a palmetto fan, while he recalled the 2003 media and government campaign against France, which, at that time, refused to support George W. Bush’s invasion of Iraq. "We have always depended on the kindness of strangers," Graham added. 

“We’re going to change the names of these American towns and cities named in Lafayette’s honor to American-sounding things, like Freedomville and Democracy Junction,” McCain affirmed.

When asked about readying an invasion of Russia to directly counter Putin militarily, the Americans’ bellicose rhetoric, however, faded away.

“We feel sanctions are working,” said Earnest. “Vampires are just weaponized bats, and we have known for a while that Russia has been working to weaponize bats. And, unfortunately, as the report states, NATO’s vampire-fighting force has been compromised by the Russians.”

NATO's elite vampire-hunting force, now a puppet of the Kremlin
The vampire accusations are not something the Kremlin will be able to easily sweep under the rug. Indeed, the elf allegations have been dogging Putin for some time, even prompting Ukrainian activists to build a statue of Putin as Dobby the house-elf.

“Ummm...Have you guys even read Harry Potter?” queried Patrick L. Smith of Salon.com, upon visiting the site. “Dobby sacrificed himself to save Harry.”

Smith was forced to flee the scene after pro-Western Ukrainians pelted him with stale Chips Ahoy.

Anti-Vampire Activists in Solidarity

Hollywood has been quick to latch on to the new information, with Madonna producing Pussy Riot’s new video about Putin’s vampirism: “Our video will be called Letuchaya Mysh,” the feminist punk band’s most attractive member, Nadezdha Tokolonnikova, said through a translator. “And it will feature me acting out a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey with a poppy seed bagel, a Croissanwich, and a potato.”

Ukrainian Joan of Arc, Nadiya Savchenko, was asked for comment on the new revelations about the Russian president, screaming, “Filthy Mudbloods!”

Savchenko at press time
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