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Shock! Activists Find Passports From the Next 20 Terror Attacks in Putin's Garage!

Satire! One German outlet's response to Paris attacks


Originally appeared in German at Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau translated by Kristina Aleshnikova


In all the hysteria surrounding the terror attacks one man has disappeared completely from view – Putin! But now the demented Russian is back! And with a story that is so surprising, that you could only have expected it of crackpot conspiracy theorists! But it wasn’t deranged storytellers who revealed this but the investigative experts of the independent investigative platform Bellingcat. After dedicated research of blurred Youtube videos and self-made satellite images these were able to identify an old garage in St. Petersburg.

<figcaption>At last! Maniac Putin caught red-handed!</figcaption>
At last! Maniac Putin caught red-handed!

As they realized on enquiry of the Russian Observation Centre for Human Rights, which is based in Tuvalu and whose reports have often proved to be reliable, this is a garage which the Russian dictator inherited from his grandfather. Allegedly he has never used it. However an investigation with the help of the photographic analysis platform “Fotoforensics.com”  revealed that there were at least 20 passports in the garage, which according to information from the platform “Future Leaks”are intended to be found at the next 20 terror attacks on Western capitals.

According to a virtual sniff test which was carried out by the innovative platform “satellitefotosmell.org”, the passports had the same musty smell as did the ones which were found at the scenes of 9/11, Charlie Hebdo and the current Paris attacks.

In addition they found a collection of various different colored spotlights, with which buildings could be illuminated in various national colors and the program code for temporary profile photos on Facebook.

“Now we know that Putin staged all of this” rejoiced a Nato spokesman. “Let’s nuke Russia!”.


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