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Putin Murders Chinese Goats in Daring Cross-Border Tiger Raid

Putin invades another country. This time he's after goat meat

This post first appeared on Russia Insider

Historic gas deals; burgeoning infrastructure projects; banking and finance agreements up the wazoo – even tentative plans for a high-speed choo choo train connecting Beijing and Moscow...all a clever ruse for Putin's real geopolitical aim: to feast upon the flesh of Chinese goat.

The plan was simple, yet elegant: Siberian tigers would be innocently “released” into “the wild,” and when the time was ripe, Putin would telepathically relay their top secret orders.

Take the wheel, Reuters

Or as the Guardian succinctly puts it: “One of three Siberian tigers released into the wild by Russia’s president responsible for couple of deaths in China, say reports.”

What kind of death is Putin responsible for this time? Chinese goat death. First MH17, now this!

Your correspondent can easily recreate the conversation that took place in every newsroom in the civilized world yesterday:

WAGE SLAVE JOURNALIST: What do you think of this story about the two dead goats in China?

DIRECTOR OF NATIVE ADVERTISING/EDITOR: It needs some spicing up. Any possibility we can indirectly pin the dead goat-blame on Putin?

The rest is history.

The real news story here is that Putin can communicate with animals. And he uses these magic powers not for the betterment of mankind, but for killing goats. This hardly comes as a surprise to informed Western news consumers. 

...Is there a way to uninstall the Internet?

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