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Now Putin Has Weaponized Giant Killer Squids

The Russians are breeding giant, venomous, shapeshifting squids that will be deposited in lakes and waterways all over North America, according to a prestigious British tabloid.

This post first appeared on Russia Insider

Like the sinister James Bond villain that he is and always will be, Russian President Vladimir Putin is always on the lookout for random objects and abstract concepts to "weaponize".

For readers who have lost track: Putin has already weaponized Syrian refugees, his own popularity, cockroaches, Judo, midlife crises, defense cuts, and Photoshop, among many, many others.

<figcaption>The Russian squids are coming.</figcaption>
The Russian squids are coming.

And now he has weaponized sea creatures.

Putin's latest endeavor involves breeding giant, poisonous squids that live in Antarctica. We know this because of the thorough work of a world-famous British tabloid. According to "Doctor Anton Padalka", a Russian scientific expedition to Antarctica discovered a terrifying sea monster, "Organism 46-B", which is now being actively recruited by the FSB for terrorism operations in the west. As the Express tells it:

Dr Padalka said the octopus, which was discovered in a fresh water lake trapped beneath two miles of ice, possessed an array of weapons and was responsible for the deaths of at least two of his scientific colleagues on the expedition.

The 33 foot-long man-eater also boasts extraordinary camouflage that helped it stalk the researchers - including shape-shifting.

Dr Padalka said: “The shapeshifting capabilities of organism 46-B sound almost diabolical. It shaped itself into the form of a human diver.

A diabolical, shapeshifting sea monster that can paralyze humans with its pungent squid venom? Sounds like Putin's wettest dream! Luckily Russian military personnel were on site to scoop up the sea beast and begin the breeding process immediately:

After five days battling the animal, the remaining scientists finally trapped Organism 46-B in a tank. They brought it to the surface but were shocked when it was seized by Russian officials, who told the waiting international press nothing had been found. 

Dr Padalka fled the country and raised the alarm this week after he claimed to have discovered Mr Putin’s plans to use the animal as a military weapon.

He warned these plans, and any possible plans to breed more of the creatures, could prove devastating.

He said: “Some species of octopus lay 200,000 eggs. Imagine if they were deposited in reservoirs and lakes across North America.”

Yes, imagine!

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