Putin Is an Elf, New Study Finds

Merry Christmas from Russia Insider!

This post first appeared on Russia Insider

According to a report by the British Journal of Phrenology, Russian president Vladimir Putin is not human. Instead, the study finds, he is more likely a fictional creature known in popular culture as an “elf,” possibly conjured up by adults for the purpose of scaring naughty children.

“His short stature, coupled with his pointy bald head and sloping nose are suggestive of Dobby the House-Elf from Harry Potter,” stated Dr. I.M. Koeding, a German parapsychologist and primary author on the paper. “His insistence on freedom and independence for the Russian state are reminiscent of Dobby when he was handed a sock by Lucius Malfoy.”

<figcaption>Ho, ho, ho, homies</figcaption>
Ho, ho, ho, homies

The report was featured in the Dec. 22 edition of the BJP, with the BBC and other major Western media outlets pouncing on the story. The elf study follows up a year of shockingly revelatory studies about Vladimir Putin, ranging from him being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, to the more recent study about his “gunslinger’s gate.” What the Russian public will do with these shocking findings is anybody’s guess.

The uncanny resemblance between Dobby and Vladimir Putin

The paper’s methodology featured “close analysis of Vladimir Putin-themed Tumblr accounts, and also several internet memes.”

“Putin is featured riding magical unicorns, which don’t exist in real life,” Dr. Koeding insists. “This leads us to the inevitable conclusion that Putin is some sort of character from the fantasy universe.”

It cannot be denied that there is a significant amount of evidence that Putin is an elf. He lives in a snow-covered land inhabited by reindeer. He disappeared for an entire month, and then suddenly reappeared, giving no believable explanation for his whereabouts. As the leader of a state involved in military conflict and facing an economic crisis, Putin appears fit and healthy, showing no signs of the stress and strain the comes from being at the helm of a major world power. “It is well-known that elves are immortal,” says Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, host of the History Channel program Ancient Aliens. “Could elvism, as it’s known in cryptozoology, explain why he doesn’t age at the same rate as American leaders? What is up for debate is what from genus and species of elf is Putin descended.”

A candid shot of Putin and his pet unicorn, Sasha

“Putin was born and raised in the Soviet Union, and the Soviets were known as the Reds. And candy canes are red and white, and elves pass out candy canes at Christmas.”  said Maria Alyokhina, senior fellow at the Brookings Institute. 

“Santa’s Workshop is obviously Communist,” NATO Supreme Allied Commander General Philip M. Breedlove said in an interview on MSNBC's Morning Joe. “It wouldn’t surprise me one damn bit if Putin spent his formative years making toys for kids in exchange for lodging and meals. Yes, it is my firm belief he is an elf.”

However, others remain unconvinced.

“This is Kremlin propaganda,” wrote Anne Applebaum in an outraged Twitter rant. “Clearly, this author is a Russian shill. Putin is nothing so innocuous as an elf who gives out candy to little children.”

Geoffrey Pyatt chimed in on Twitter: “He is much more like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. And Ukraine is like the One Ring for Putin.”

“It is our official position that Putin is an Orc,” read an official State Department press release.  

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling weighed in, Tweeting: “He’s nothing like Dobby! Actually, I based Voldemort on Vladimir Putin. This study has it all wrong.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” Russian foreign ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova said in a phone call.

“We’re not even going to deign to respond to that,” said Dmitri Peskov, speaking for the Kremlin.

This post first appeared on Russia Insider

Anyone is free to republish, copy, and redistribute the text in this content (but not the images or videos) in any medium or format, with the right to remix, transform, and build upon it, even commercially, as long as they provide a backlink and credit to Russia Insider. It is not necessary to notify Russia Insider. Licensed Creative Commons

Our commenting rules: You can say pretty much anything except the F word. If you are abusive, obscene, or a paid troll, we will ban you. Full statement from the Editor, Charles Bausman.