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A Modest Proposal to Weaponize Everything

This post first appeared on Russia Insider

Recently the US Congress had a hearing  on the subject of Russia’s sneaky attempts to …say what? -- “weaponize” information. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is one thing those bullet-head Russians are very good at. 

Since then, everyone and his uncle have jumped on the bandwagon of discovering “weaponization” lurking under every bed.  

<figcaption>This weapon has Mr. Pomerantsev very worried</figcaption>
This weapon has Mr. Pomerantsev very worried

The weaponization hunter extraordinaire, Peter Pomerantsev, not only testified to Congress, but since then has been flying around the globe, weaponizing his limited knowledge of the Russian TV scene, and generalizing on Russia’s dangerous weaponization of money, culture, post-modernism, surrealism, and everything else in between.    

After this conspicuous beginning, with politicians and media pundits leading the charge,  NATO has decided to get in on the act as well. After all, it is NATO, which is dedicated to serious weapons, so of all people this esteemed institution should be concerned with something as dangerously sounding as “weaponization.”

Not to fall behind in this cultural embrace of “weaponization,” I propose to broaden this useful concept.

We can learn from our political, military, and journalist leaders.  After all, who can doubt their acumen?

  1. Next time someone asks what we are doing in the Middle East, destroying countries, killing hundreds of thousands, and displacing millions, the press and politicians should explain that Iraq and other states were bombed into the Stone Age, because of these countries’ ability to weaponize both the non-existent weapons of mass distraction, as well as their desire for sovereignty.

  2. Iran, of course, should be bombed because it tries to weaponize its geographical location in the Middle East, something which only US allies should be allowed to do.

  3. Russia and Putin in particular should be destroyed for weaponizing Plutonium, tea-drinking, news broadcasting and everything else in between. In general, similar to Midas, Russia has this “weaponizing” touch. While their hockey players weaponize their sticks, their tennis players surely weaponize their good looks. Consequently, every Russian should be banned from everywhere.  

  4. Every time a policeman shoots an innocent teenager in Ohio, Missouri or New York, they should blame the victim of their shooting for weaponizing their toys, pens, or candies.

  5. Ranchers in Oregon were arrested and killed for weaponizing their right to seek redress for their grievances.

  6. Half of the professors at Ivy League schools should be fired and dismissed for weaponizing education, and turning it into a tool for promoting the white man’s agenda. The second half should be fired for weaponizing the alternative agenda. Once students begin to teach other students, nothing will be weaponized except ignorance.  

  7. While we are at it, maybe the general public should be sent to a new GULAG as well, for weaponizing their ignorance, entrusting their political representatives with irresponsible foreign policies, and otherwise constantly engaging in destructive and self-destructive behavior.

  8. Anyone questioning Fox, CNN, BBC, or any other sources of information should be incarcerated for weaponizing their skepticism.

  9. In general, since it is well known fact, that “the pen is mightier than a sword,” most intellectuals, with the exception of those working for pro-government or Qatar-sponsored think tanks, should be incarcerated for “weaponizing” their knowledge and ability to think for themselves.

  10. As the country of guns and weapons, we know what a true weapon looks like, and cherish our guns as we do apple pies. So we can’t allow others to come up with some second rate fake substitution of the real thing. Consequently, let’s bomb the rest of the world for weaponizing their helplessness and defenselessness in front of our bullying and aggression.  

And I am sure once we are finished with all those pesky undesirables who continue to weaponize their right to life, maybe, it will be high time to attack other planets.

The aliens who inhabit them surely know how to weaponize their flying saucers.



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