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Islamic State Should Just Join Ukraine Already

By simply rebranding themselves as Ukrainians, Islamic State could gain the international respect and recognition of the world

This post first appeared on Russia Insider

ISIS does not really get it. Why can't they just declare themselves Ukrainians? For starters, their outfits already look similar, so it should not be a problem there. And in terms of changing names, the world has already got used to it, so one more name. ISIL, ISIS, Daesh, Ukra-esh, who cares. But look at the benefits:

Rather than being surreptitiously supported by some dubious regimes like the Saudis and Turkey, they would boast the open support of US, NATO, EU, and, last but not least, the support of the most powerful European leader, recently inaugurated as the Woman of the Year, among other titles that Ms. Angela Merkel holds.    

This combined entity, Ukraine and Ukraesh, will be successfully ruled by the State Department darling, Mikhail Saakashvili, a former Georgian president whose Georgian citizenship has been revoked for corruption, but it didn’t preclude him from becoming a darling of both the State Department and Senator McCain. And after all, it is the support of these two entities that guarantees the country’s international standing. “Have McCain, will travel” – that has been the Saakashvili’s motto ever since he was appointed as the governor of Ukrainian province of Odessa.

The IMF would support and sponsor all their economic activities and would not even bother to demand the return of the repayment of the loans.  The money saved on not repaying loans, can be used for purchasing more oil-transporting trucks, which clearly would not be bombed any more, especially after Joe Biden's son is appointed the chairman of the board of this freshly minted company.

No one would ever question the "moderate" aspirations of the newly minted Ukrainians. The whole world knows that there are only moderate nationalists in Ukraine (and whoever doubts it, is immediately reminded by the liberal pundits that the immoderate Nazis got only 2 % of parliament seats).

While the world might complain about innocent victims in Paris or other “civilized” places, hardly anyone would raise their voice against the new country's targets – provided they are declared as Russians or Russian supporters. The Russian plane that went down over Sinai taking more than 200 lives with it, had hardly raised an eyebrow. So the total carte blanche in terms of murder and mayhem would be guaranteed. So why bring all these knotty issues of religion, and its justifications or condemnations of violence. Just propound that “a good Russian is a dead Russian,“ and no additional explanation will be needed. And when the Russians protest against such an equation, dismiss these protests as Kremlin propaganda.

Being Ukrainian guarantees the perennial status of victim. There are some who dare think that ISIS is aggressive and destructive. Yet, by becoming a province of Ukraine, the new regime would immediately qualify as a victim of the Russians. A monument should be immediately raised on the remnants of Palmyra (and preferably utilizing the remnants of the planes shot down by Turkey and ISIS) to the victims of cruel and indiscriminate Russian bombing. So no matter how many heads they have chopped off (there are already 9000 civilians killed in Donbass) the world will continue to shed tears over their fate, and would even award writers who sympathize with their harsh plight with Nobel Prizes. Of course, there might be some strange politicians, like Donald Trump, who can actually call you a “head-chopper” but nobody takes guys like him seriously. So his accusations will be mocked and dismissed, while they and their allies in Turkey and elsewhere would remind the world that the only true head-chopper sits in the Kremlin.

Besides selling oil, this newly rebranded Ukrainian entity, could be easily involved in selling stolen ancient art. From ancient Palmyra to Baghdad museums – the Western gluttony for ancient art is endless, and nobody would question Ukrainian commitment to supplying the west with what they want.   

Since Brussels is already contemplating giving a visa free regime to Ukraine starting in mid-2016, there won’t be any need to worry about penetrating Europe or any other country. While being a Muslim might raise some eyebrows in some unenlightened quarters, being a Ukrainian victim of Russia, would never do that. So Europe would be all theirs to behead, shoot, and explode.  

And last but not least, they'll give joy and hope to the future to all those French intellectuals, like BHL, who vested so much of their energy, trying to convince themselves and others that a terrorist group becomes moderate opposition the minute it begins to oppose Bashar al-Assad. Obviously, after the mayhem that this moderate opposition organized in Paris, it has become very difficult to view them as “moderate opposition,” but once they are renamed and rebranded as poor Ukrainians, the victims of evil Putin and his equally evil sidekick, Assad, the university educated French elite would be able to resume their noble work defending the noble cause of resistance. Not to be outdone by the fashion setting French, Yale Professor Timothy Snyder, will concoct a series of articles and talks on the subject of “how to head-chop your way toward western democracy.”

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