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Donald Rumsfeld Decides to Stop Killing Brown People, Develops Phone Apps Instead

A true American

This post first appeared on Russia Insider

What does one "do", after killing at least 500,000 people? Suicide is a perfectly respectable choice, but so is exposing yourself to joggers in Central Park, until you are arrested and registered as a sex offender.

But Donald Rumsfeld is no ordinary war criminal: At the tender age of 83, he has decided to devote the rest of his deplorable existence to developing fancy solitaire games that you can play on your iPhone666.

<figcaption>A murderer and a cellhpone app developer: A true American.</figcaption>
A murderer and a cellhpone app developer: A true American.

Yes, this is real:

I’ve done business, politics, and war. Now I’m trying my hand at mobile gaming.

Among the things one learns as time passes is that everyone has to age, but not everyone has to get old. One of the best ways to stay young is to keep learning.

That’s one of the reasons I’ve spent the better part of the past two years trying my hand at developing a mobile app. To be more precise, I’ve been working with a team of developers to bring into the digital age a card game that dates back to at least the Second World War, and perhaps earlier. Starting this week, I’m pleased that it is now going to have a new life thanks to modern technology.

Isn't that charming? Donald Rumsfeld has given a card game a "new life". If only he possessed this level of altruism back in 2003, maybe millions of real lives — as opposed to a dumb card game — would have been saved. But that's neither here nor there.

Here are some 5-star game reviews: 

Critics are already raving about Donald Rumsfeld Solitaire
Critics are already raving about Donald Rumsfeld Solitaire

Bush took up painting. Now Rumsfeld is a mobile app developer. Within two weeks, the solitaire and water-colored stick figures will be forgotten. But the war crimes will stay forever. Sorry, guys?

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