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Philistines 'Disappointed' by David the Shepherd Boy’s Revelation of New Israelite Stone-Slinging Deterrent

"The statements come a week after David, the son of Jesse, announced the development of five new strategic stone slinging weapons systems"


Philistine officials have told lawmakers that they are “disappointed” by David the Shepherd Boy’s public announcement of his unmatched stone slinging capability, lamenting that he will use it to further “intimidate” Philistine giants and their allies.

“I think the public picking up of 5 smooth stones and the use of a sling, while not surprising, were nonetheless disappointing. While we have been aware of the development of the David the Shepherd Boy’s capabilities and watching with concern some of the development that has occurred in terms of his doctrine and exercise program, including his aggressive killing of a bear and a lion, it is nonetheless disappointing to see that he chose to feature these capabilities in a way that he did,” Under Secretary of Defense for Policy, John Rood, told the House of Gath Subcommittee on Strategic Forces, in a discussion on Strategic Forces Posture and the Fiscal Year 1025BC Budget Request.

Commander of Philistine Strategic Command, General John Hyten, added that:

“David’s statements are not surprising and only reinforce Israel’s commitment to use stones designed to intimidate and coerce the Philistines and its allies.”

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The statements come a week after David, the son of Jesse, announced the development of five new strategic stone slinging weapons systems, including a stone that could take out a giant smack in the forehead, rendering him helpless, before using his own sword to cut off his head. This was said to be designed to render all Philistine capabilities obsolete, and prompted calls to the committee for defence spending to be drastically increased from the current $700 billion to counter the threat.

David emphasised that Israel had repeatedly offered compromises but never made a secret of its resolve to maintain a stone-slinging deterrent in the face of Philistine expansions up to the valley of Elah in Judah, and their growing capabilities including the use of 9ft Giants with impenetrable armour, javelin missiles and anti-stone slinging mail coats.

“Those stone-slinging capabilities have obviously been in development for quite some time. David the Shepherd Boy talked about their maturity, and his intention to use them in the name of the Lord of Hosts. They are clearly not the capabilities that were developed in the last few months or the last year,” Rood admitted.

Rood, however, once again reiterated the Philistines claim that 9ft Giants with impenetrable armour marching up to the border of Judah and challenging the Israelites for forty days had never been intended to threaten the Israelites or to neutralise their strategic capabilities:

“That has not been our plan in focus and the capabilities developed do not enable us to do that. How anyone could have thought our intentions to be aggressive or threatening is a mystery to us,” he noted almost tearfully.

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When asked to respond to the claim that the Philistine move towards their borders and the taunting of a 9ft tall Giant for forty days had not in anyway been intended as a threat, a spokesman for David simply shrugged his shoulders and said, “Yeah, and we were born yesterday.”

Source: TheBlogMire


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