A DIY Guide to Heating Up the New Cold War

How to start a new cold war, in 8 easy steps!

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The resolution will likely only serve to bring the "New Cold War" closer to a frightening boiling point.

This article originally appeared at Sputnik

The US House of Representatives passed a resolution Thursday condemning Russia for its alleged policy of aggression against neighboring countries. Critics are calling it a dangerous provocation that highlights U.S. hypocrisy and threatens to further damage relations, already at a historic low.

Former congressman Ron Paul has called House Resolution 758 "16 pages of war propaganda that should have made even neocons blush, if they were capable of such a thing." 

Indeed, the resolution will likely only serve to bring the "New Cold War" closer to a frightening boiling point.  But after all, there's money to be made in this madness. And here's how it's done: 

Step 1: Note that moves to decrease the size of the U.S. military threaten the profits of the military industrial complex. That just won’t do.  Proceed to Step 2.

Step 2: Determine a new enemy that it will be easy to provoke. Like a bear. A bear! Yes! Russia! I mean, taxpayers spent more than $20 trillion — yes, trillion! — on a decades-long war-non-war with the Soviet Union. And what’s good for Lockheed Martin is good for… well, Lockheed Martin. 

Step 3: Find a country that neighbors the target country. Ukraine seemed ripe for a change, didn't it?  What with that democratically elected, but Moscow-friendly president they had. Do Americans know where Ukraine is? Meh, doesn’t matter. The ones that don’t know where it is will want to intervene even more. This is ‘Merica, after al!

Step 4: Spend a lot of money on destabilizing the country. And I mean A LOT of money. The U.S. might still have a high unemployment rate and rising income inequality at home, but spend $5 billion on propaganda against a democratically-elected government elsewhere? Sure. Wait, are those neo-Nazi groups we’re funding? Sometimes you gotta break some eggs, I guess.

Step 5: Wait. Don’t be impatient. The cake needs time to rise. So do the people you have paid to be mad.

But don’t be too patient. Not like European Union “we’re going to peacefully engage” patient. Like Assistant Secretary of State for European and Eurasian Affairs Victoria Nuland said, “F**k the EU.”

Step 6: This is where you take stock:  Are there crowds in the street? Check! Is the nation teetering on collapse? Check! Great! Now tip the balance and apply public pressure. Call for the democratically-elected president to go. 

Step 7: Sit back while chaos ensues. Did the president feel the need to flee? Check! Did Russia react to the now-unstable environment on its border? Check! Are all those Americans who can’t find Ukraine on a map sufficiently angry over a geopolitical issue they don’t understand? Check!

Step 8: Get your fellow neo-conservatives to vote on a bill (it passed the House on Thursday) that gets you closer to arming Ukraine. This shouldn’t be too hard, because your friends in the defense sector already paid them $25 million in direct contributions while spending more than $130 million on lobbying.


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