They're amazing in every way
"On International Women's Day, join me in honoring the critical role of women here in America & around the world," writes President Trump on Twitter (of course).
We're sure Donald means well, but we're also sure that he knows that Americans don't celebrate International Women's Day. (What do Americans do while other countries lavish their incredible women with gifts and laurels? Who knows — baseball?)
In case you didn't know, Women's Day is a big f*cking deal in Russia.
Do you think working in a Moscow office full of lovely Russian women sounds nice? You are a fool, because on Women's Day you are expected to present each of these females with flowers and chocolates and maybe even a poem. Failure to comply with this cherished tradition results in immediate banishment to the Siberian gold mines, to help expedite the introduction of the gold ruble.
To add insult to injury, do you know what Russian men receive from Russian women for "Defender of the Fatherland" Day?
Socks. The smelly things that you wear on your feet.
We are of course being facetious. Russian women are amazing. And in celebration of Women's Day, we will now praise Russian women.
Although they are regularly smeared by western television and films as pampered gold-diggers, Russian women actually lead the world in career achievement. Forty percent of Russia's top management positions are currently held by women.
These ladies have some serious backbone.
Russian women gunned down Nazis during WWII and a few years later were the first of womankind to be launched into space. Some of them even hung out with Tolstoy. Just imagine.
The Speaker of the Russian Federation Council is a woman; So is the head of the Central Bank of Russia. However, the prima ballerina for the Bolshoi Ballet is a man who identifies as an Apache attack helicopter. Just kidding — she's a woman, too.
There are also many famous Russian chess masters and grandmasters who are women. Some of them are also models. Because why not?
This is a "chess-related" photograph of Russian Grandmaster and former Women's World Chess Champion Alexandra Kosteniuk, in case you needed to know her name for some weird, perverse reason.
None of this matters, of course.
Make sure you're sitting down before you read this, but in Russia many women choose to stay at home and raise children.
We know it's odd but around here, the desire to raise a family doesn't mean that you've been brainwashed by the Patriarchy. It means that you are a normal human who wants to do normal things like nurture and grow the next generation in hopes of a better tomorrow.
We don't want to delve too deep into how the relationship and social contract between the sexes in the West has been poisoned, probably fatally, or how sixty years ago it was possible to live comfortably with one "breadwinner" per household, or how men and women are now competing against each other for increasingly inadequate salaries, or how even when both parents work full-time, they now still struggle to make ends meet.
That is not the purpose of this internet article. We are here today to celebrate Russian women.
Here they are in Aleppo, being presented with the flowers and snacks that we mentioned earlier:
Beautiful. Brave. Talented. Russian.
Yes, Russian women are amazing. And they know it.
All real gentlemen prefer Russian women. Just ask Putin:
Happy International Women's Day to all the amazing women of the world — even to the ones playing baseball right now.
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