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I, Vitali Klitschko, Promise to Protect Western Investments in Kiev With My Fists of Solid Iron

Ukraine's abundance of poverty wage human capital is eager for exploitation. Welcome back to Kiev!

Dear Sirs and Madames, 

Some of you may have read my "invest in Kiev!" op-ed in the western values daily, The Wall Street Journal. Did you enjoy it? The nerd who wrote it for me employed various literary zingers such as "our innovation thrives on freedom" and "the streets are safe", but I — and I alone — came up with the concept of protecting foreign investors in Kiev with my "heavyweight title". That's a clever allusion to the fact that I used to punch people in the face for money, in case you didn't pick up on that subtlety.

<figcaption>I will personally punch your business papers...with an APPROVED stamp!</figcaption>
I will personally punch your business papers...with an APPROVED stamp!

Seriously, my ghostwriter was constantly whining about how difficult it would be to convince western investors that their money would be safe in the most corrupt nation in Europe. What a worrywart! First of all, Ukraine's "human capital", as I like to call my fellow Ukrainians, receive Zambia-wages. They are ready and willing to give their lives to western enterprise. And secondly, I will personally K.O. anyone who tries to extort money from our new western business partners. But now I am repeating myself. 

Kiev is open for business. As my ghostwriter rightly pointed out in my op-ed, "utilities like heat and electricity are functioning". Impressive, no? But now I am boasting, and not even about my prize-winning fists. 

Okay. Look. I'm not going to spin fairytales about free bags of salo here in Kiev. There are vague rumors of a looming default and also lots of crazy people running around with guns. Anything could happen. Ukraine could fall into a sinkhole tomorrow, but you don't see people duct taping themselves to the highest tree branch. (Wait, would that actually work? No no no, because the tree would fall into the sinkhole, too. Damn...) What I'm trying to say is: Don't be a pussy. Invest in Kiev.

There's still plenty of time to privatize state property or lend us money that we will never be capable of repaying. That means our collateral — the entire country, literally — will be yours!

Join us, and you will prosper as we sink deeper and deeper into a pit of xenophobia and economic despair. 

Vitali Klitschko is mayor of Kiev. He probably didn't write this article

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