Brief? I had to force myself to stop at vampire rumours.
I mean, what's next? Darth Vader (AARGHH! He is).
If there is an upper limit to Putin Derangement Syndrome, no one has found it yet.
Health and psychology
Experts (BTW, "expert" is to be understood in a sneering and contemptuous usage) have diagnosed him with Asperger's Syndrome, cancer of the spinal cord, personality disorders, gayness and Parkinson's Disease.
And as a psychopath.
Expert psychologists believe that he spends so much time with animals because most humans don't like him very much.
He leads a "sinister, lonely life".
He has a contempt for law.
Experts who have studied his actions in Ukraine and relationship with ISIS have concluded that he is not only a murderer and "mentally unstable, but so bloodthirsty that he constitutes a threat to the Middle East, America and the world."
His slouching posture shows that he is envious and resentful of Obama.
Maybe he's "just a jerk".
Putin spends a lot of time...
Practising with a personal weapon, selection of everyday carry weapon and training his flunkies on how to do a "gunslinger walk".
Choosing today's watch from his extensive watch collection.
Given the assumption that he controls everything in "Putin's Russia", I am looking forward to seeing RT's clever and witty satire quoted as evidence that he is consulted on the most trivial matters: even telling the RT cleaning staff to mop up a mess. (I mean to say: it's out there on social media, so it must be true.)
Drawing up lists of journalists to be threatened or, if they don't take the hint, assassinated.
Carefully monitoring and controlling what Russians see on the Internet.
Planning and directing disinformation operations like fooling a US Senator with faked photos. A similar operation was carried out on the New York Times. (Otherwise you would have to think they were nincompoops and swallowed anything they were fed. No! No! Putindunnit!)
Direction and fabrication of the elaborate numerical "statistical" backup required to sustain the "myth of 89%".
Meeting with military chiefs to plan today's invasion of Ukraine and latest plans for the conquest of Lithuania; precise details of stationing of "little green men" there and other warlike expansionist plans.
Planning new aggressive weapons.
Stealing weapons technology from Ukraine.
As the centre of the enmity to the World Community and International Law, he spends many hours plotting with an informal alliance of lawless regimes.
He hates NATO because it has incorporated "rightful Russian lands".
He is so omnipresent that anytime a Western reporter doesn't see him, there must be some enormous crisis that deserves excitable headlines.
Enormous efforts shoring up the "Putin regime" which is always on the edge of collapse. (But Russia has always been doomed (here's Time in 1927) and it was altogether finished in 2001, but it seems that the intensity of the doom saying has been stepped up as if wishing so made it so. Has an ‘open society’ doomed Russia to fail? (September 2012); Russia Is Doomed (March 2014); Why Putin’s Adventure in Ukraine Is Doomed (April 2014); Putin's Nationalism and Expansion Strategy Is Doomed to Fail (September 2014); Sorry, Putin. Russia’s economy is doomed (December 2014); Remember Russia? It’s still doomed (January 2015); Morgan Stanley thinks Russia’s doomed (February 2015)).
In preparation for one of his long interviews or TV Q&A sessions, he chooses the questions, nominates and rehearses the actors who will ask them and memorises the answers. Obviously these sessions are stage-managed because no Western leader would even attempt to answer unscripted questions for several hours on live TV. Therefore, Putin has to be faking it.
So-called elections are carefully managed down to the last detail with numerous dirty tricks, managed media campaigns and pressures applied where necessary. Putin directs and supervises these factors.
Finally, after work...
Plays with his dogs – see why he prefers animals to people above.
Dalliance with latest girlfriend and secret family.
Designs his palaces.
And, as the richest man in the world, counts his loot.
And then to bed
Where, as he says, you have to sleep a lot to be president.
Where does he find the time to do all this?