The American Dollar Dies in New York - a Satire from Uganda

The eminent Magic Child succumbs during surgery. Succession in doubt as surrogate mothers rush for birth control. Neocons orders flags at half mast.

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Editor's note: This past week, I received an email from one Dr. Kihura Nkuba of Uganda, who sent in this submission. He describes himself as: "a pan-African Historian, Broadcaster and Philosopher".

He immediately got on my good side by stating: "I am an ardent reader of Russia Insider and have introduced it to people in Uganda. Just to let you know that there are a lot of people in Africa that support Russia and its leader V. P."

This pleased me immensely. First of all, I've never received a message from Uganda. I hear it is a very admirable country, full of sensible people who are blessed with a strong knack for resisting various liberal imbecilities foisted upon them by the West. I'd also heard it is the center of a great African Christian renewal. But most of all it gladdened my heart that Ugandans far and wide are reading Russia Insider. This can only be for the good. Progress marches on.

I am glad to publish this little satire, which I quite enjoyed, and want to publicly thank Dr. Nkuba for sending it in, and to send him a hearty Sunday morning, Christian greeting from our fruited plain.

If the ideas and good sense of humor conveyed here are representative of the people of Uganda and other developing countries, and I often hear that they are, then that is very good news indeed.

Charles Bausman


Master Dollar the giant magic child, born in 1913 in a suspect federal building in USA, and growing at a pace that made him the largest giant in history, favorite son of Mr. Fed Reserve and Mr. Banksters and the ultimate hope of millions of Neocons, died late afternoon on the 6th of June 2014, during major surgery undertaken to correct massive diminishing influence.

The cause of Death was a huge gas fire caused by Gazprom and four other accomplices thought to be of Chinese, Brazilian, African and Indian origin. The final autopsy has not been undertaken by Dr. Zbigniew Brzezinski, although the child’s surgeon, Dr. Fed Thief Janet Yellen of Death To The Nation-Hospital, indicated possible cardiac insufficiency.

The child’s biological father Mr. Roathchildren who helped in the unsuccessful surgery, said that the blood and gunpowder administered to the giant in more than fifty war theaters fell short of mandatory required gold nutrients. The massive hemorrhage the child suffered after his lost body minerals particularly gold and silver took a toll on the giant’s life.

Sobbing uncontrollably, family friend Donut Crap of the Neocon tribe and Judas Cain of the Hawk tribe, said that they were at loss and did not understand why any deity would rob them of this child at this time. “I suspect foul play, or even poison from a bear’s tail, but it is too early to tell”.

However the chief assistant surgeon Jackalass Lew attributed the giant’s death to a blood loss from arrow wounds he suffered in Iraq, Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, Grenada, Nicaragua, Panama, Vietnam and other stages of where he performed vile acts. The father wanted us to give too much blood using huge pumps dropped from stealth planes on top of the hospital but blood delivered this way would have overwhelmed the patient and dirtied the cloths of otherwise clean surgeons from U-Invited Snakes Hospital.

Crying violently Professor Microeconomics of the Wild Bank Memorial Hospital cut off the blood supply to the child, an act that was seen as the last straw in the giant’s death. Assisting Professor Microeconomic in the unsuccessful surgery was Dr. International Robbery Fun, Dr. Inter American Sucks, Dr. Slave Trader of Barclays, and Royal Bandit of Scotland.

At the bedside when the end came were in addition to attending surgeons and several nurses, Heads of difference European Governments, Rating Agencies and an Insurance Con artist named AIG (Hey I Junk), were the presstitute media and LKTTV (Lets Kill them TV).

As the news filtered through the millions of peasants starving of poverty in villages and hamlets, massive cries of joy could be heard and seen across the many nations. “Now we have a chance,” said Ranjiv Sing, a computer programmer who had waited for the magic child to materialize in his firm, “he was an evil child to the poor and used to toss us to loan sharks, banks, court bailiffs and brokers”.

The Archbishop of Canterbury His Eminence Just In Well By, confirmed that the child will go to heaven directly since he had lived his long life shooting and killing commies, terrorists and dictators, but said that Mr. Green Buck as he was popularly known, had left a lot of unsatisfied relatives.

The Grand Mufti, the official head of the Moslem community said that Mr. Dollar would not be missed by the majority of Moslems whose businesses have gone out of the window due to hefty interest rates charged by his parents. “We expected the magic child to do something about these rates,” the Mufti said, “since we had donated a lot of black blood to him, but nothing. He was a stubborn child and kept hitting us with rockets”.

The grandfather of the deceased Mr. Rocky Fella said that he refused to believe Mr. Dollar is dead; “I was only talking about him in France few days ago and was even going with him to visit our blood brothers in Ukraine. The surgeons assured me that they would find enough blood to resuscitate him; since he was a giant, we were going to use him in our battles against Russia, Venezuela and the elections in Ukraine. He must not be buried until we find out if he is spiritually and physically dead. We may be able to resurrect him in the name of democracy”.

The Chinese leader however announced that a wonderful coffin had been arranged, made of BRICS, and Mr. Dragon had offered to pay all expenses of the American Funerary Services to afford the child a decent burial. ‘We don’t want the parents to be troubled at this time of need, as you can understand this is a sorrowful time for all of relatives. We shall contribute to a proper burial for the deceased.”

The Russian leader Mr. Value Mia Put In announced to the world that a surrogate mother had been found who could breed another child, who will be far less termagant than the deceased. Mr. Bear has given the surrogate mother an old Villa near the Black sea to raise the child.

A group of mourners hired by commercial banks were refused entry into the mortuary where the body is being kept. The mortuary attendants explained to the banks and mourners that they needed to pay for the privileges of seeing the giant for the last time and the banks complained about the exorbitant rates charged.

The Head of City Pirates Bank, sent this message:

“Mrs. Savage joins me in extending heartfelt sympathy to the family and many friends of the late Mr. Dollar. He was, I always felt, a force for good in the country.

Those of us who were privileged to see him admired the probity of his character, the breath of his compassion and the depth of his mind.

Generous almost to a fault, his many acts of kindness to the Third World, to War Zones, Drug Dealers, Pharmaceutical industry, will never be forgotten. It’s a very great loss indeed. He will be missed.

But death comes to many giants and a new one will be born, probably in America”.

The British leader said that the British regime was the only country that had nursed a giant child like Mr. Dollar. “Such a child has to be bathed in loot every month and all the attendants must wear bio-chemical suits,”

The head of the African Union said that the soul of the child would roam the villages in disgrace. As we went to press the father released a statement reading as follows:

“I believe in the resurrection of the dead, in the judgment of the righteous.

By some miracle my child might resurrect, maybe in some glorified form.

Death comes to us all even to golden giants, but I still keep thinking that he is in a coma.

Let people say many times and also pray "we shall overcome" and keep walking.

I will however put it on record that this golden child was killed by Russian shamans and their wicked gas witchcraft.”


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