Crimea’s Peaceful Return to Russia Marks End of ‘Yeltsin’s Democratic Russia’

The third anniversary of an unspeakable crime

Sun, Mar 19, 2017 | 2470 Comments
The end of "democratic Russia, launched in 1991 under Boris Yeltsin"
The end of "democratic Russia, launched in 1991 under Boris Yeltsin"

This weekend marks the third anniversary of the most unconscionable crime against human dignity since the Sochi Olympics.

We are of course referring to the violent and extremely bloody annexation of Crimea, which took place in March 18, 2014 — a day that will forever live in infamy. 

Or so we are led to believe after reading the Moscow Times out of morbid curiosity. 

We will now excerpt passages from "Shadow of the Past: How the Annexation of Crimea Guides Russian Policy":

There are clear reasons for the Russian public’s fawning over the peninsula’s “return.” It marks a historic development — the end of the long and traumatic post-Soviet transformation. The annexation has brought the project of a democratic Russia, launched in 1991 under Boris Yeltsin, to a conclusion.

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Beautiful. Keep going...

Vladimir Putin is on a roll. Not only has the Crimea gambit paid off, but Russia’s superpower status has been confirmed and sealed by Donald Trump’s unexpected victory in the U.S. presidential election. With a like-minded leader in the White House, Putin now feels he is the “half-emperor of the world, and his reelection in March 2018 has global significance,” says Gleb Pavlovsky, a political analyst. Russia’s voice in global affairs is now much stronger than before. 

KEEP GOING!

[T]he time for political – and military – expansion has just begun. Now, Russia thinks of itself as the reincarnation of its own past. And it will act accordingly.  

Golf clap.

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The fact that no less than 80 percent of Crimeans are strongly in favor of the reunification with Russia is irrelevant. After all, real democracy involves arming a small, fanatical minority in an attempt to overthrow legitimate governments. Libya and Syria are two excellent and recent examples of this democratic phenomenon. 

Yes, Putin has murdered Yeltsin's dream of a "democratic Russia". Yes, Putin is now a "half-emperor" of the world. Yes, Putin is hell-bent on restoring the former glory of the Soviet Union. 

Vladimir Putin must be dragged to the Hague. He must answer for his sins. 

We are often reminded of NPR's harrowing tale about its visit to occupied Crimea. We're not even joking, this is the best they could come up with:

What were your favorite and least favorite parts of the trip?

Favorite: singing "Pink Houses" by Mellencamp at a Crimean karaoke bar. Least favorite: we stayed at a really awful, Soviet-style hotel with smoke filled hallways, creaky elevators and really, really, really thin walls.

What was the best meal you had on this assignment — and the worst?

The best: traditional Ukrainian restaurant in Sinferopol. The varenyky (dumplings) was amazing. Worst: a chunk of brown bread with smoked, fish-like product (which Lauren, the producer, claims was not fish) on a Russian airplane.

No mention of IEDs, sectarian violence, "night raids", drone-bombings, torture prisons, Green Zones, suicide bombers or anything else that makes the occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan so uniquely democratic and legal under international law. 

Crimea's return to Russia really is the greatest crime against humanity since the invention of the Furby Satan doll. 

The End.

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