Putin’s Neighbor’s Cat Implicated in Panama Papers

Never fear, the German mainstream media is on the case!

Part of the evidence presented by State Department spokesman Mark Toner

Nine thousand British and six thousand American companies are listed in the Panama Papers. Readers of reputable western news magazines  can be forgiven for thinking things are going wrong in the world.  

No need to worry: the whistleblowers promise to keep that part of the information private — fortunately, however, western ears will receive regular updates about the Russian super-villain Vladimir Putin!

It turns out, that even his neighbour’s cat has a postbox in Arizona, used to smuggle Whiskas to Russia, bypassing the freely free western sanctions of freedom against Russia.

There’s no way Putin had no clue about such hanky panky.

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But that is not all, the sleuths have more. Investigating journalists from the Süddeutsche Zeitung (South German Newspaper) dug up further proof of this feline's relationships with the Russian tyrant.

It turns out that the cat was born at a potato-farm in Smolensk. The owner of the farm supplies a supermarket chain with his spicy potatoes. And this is exactly the supermarket chain, where the brother-in-law of the brother-in-law of Putin’s haircutter’s sister goes shopping! The latter has a daughter, whose dog (a male) mounted another dog. Damningly, the latter dog-owner's initials are V.P!  And his wife plays the cello! And even had friends when in kindergarten!

Phew!  Good thing we uncovered all this.  Now things can get back to normal!


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