Talking Toupee 'Donald Trump' Is Worried That Putin Will 'Save' Greece

Trump says that if Germany doesn't "take care" of Greece's debt problem, Putin could swoop in Batman style and save the day. Achtung!

Thu, Jul 2, 2015
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Trump's fake hair, contacting the mothership
Trump's fake hair, contacting the mothership

Reality television joke/future president Donald Trump has been reading up on world affairs. And now he (his wig?) is aware that there is a country (somewhere) called "Greece", and that this country (wherever it may be) has "problems".

Who will solve these problems, before Donald Trump loses his patience and fires everyone? The Krauts, obviously:

"Germany is very powerful, very strong," Trump said. "I’d let Germany handle it. We have enough problems; let Germany handle it. Germany will take care of it. This is peanuts for Germany. They’ll take care of it."

Yes, peanuts! (Or Erdnüsse, to use the language of problem solvers.)

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We're very conflicted about Mr. Trump. On the one hand, he recognizes that the United States should stop pretending to be the hegemonic and infallible policy decider for the entire world — which is "nice". On the other hand, he's an insufferable moron. 

On another hand, Donald Trump makes for exquisite headlines. On one more hand (we're imagining a many-limbed Hindu goddess weighing the pros and cons of Donald Trump, now), Donald represents everything that is wrong with America. 

Anyway. If Germany can't "handle" whatever is ailing Greece, Putin might crash the European debt party. Or to quote Trump's word salad directly: 

"Frankly, Putin probably comes in to save the day, if Germany doesn't," Trump said. "So I think that Greece is going to be better shape than people think. But if United States cannot be in every fight, and just remember, this was all set up to hurt the United States. They were going to do better trades because of the power. Unfortunately, you know, it hasn't worked out perfectly. It’s probably still not a bad thing."

If the above quotation makes little actual sense to you, fear not: This is how toupees talk foreign policy. Just throw that bad boy into Google Translate (Wig Latin --> English). 

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