No Special Snowflakes, Free Healthcare and Mayo Galore: Russia Is Obviously Superior to the US

Everyone says I should be living in America. Why? America is a bummer

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You can also wear fur hats in public without strangers dumping buckets of red paint on you. What a concept.
You can also wear fur hats in public without strangers dumping buckets of red paint on you. What a concept.

I'm a twenty-something Russian girl. (A lady never reveals her age.) I happen to be married to an American hunk.

According to the American Declaration of Independence, when a Russian girl ties the knot with an American boy she becomes eligible for a free Green Card from George Soros. Don't ask me why — Thomas Jefferson just wanted it that way.

George can give mine to a Syrian refugee. I don't want it.

I've visited America many times. Like Khrushchev marveling at Iowa's vast cornfields, I was at first star-struck by America.

So many iPhones. So many reality TV shows. And 10,000 different brands of breakfast cereal. Literally.

What's a girl not to love?

How can I put this in a delicate way? Come closer, dear. Place your head against your monitor or iPhone666 so I can whisper this gently into your ear: America lacks basic social infrastructure that makes life worth living and you will probably die lonely and indebted unless you sell all your belongings right now and come live in Russia with me. Not with me per se, of course. It's a figure of speech. I think. It's my second language, okay? I also speak German.

Listen up, America. Yes, I love you. And yes, I have an iPhone — the epitome of American ingenuity assembled by Chinese orphans.

But there's a little bit more to life than mindless consumerism fueled by cheap credit and one-stop shopping, guys.

Oh, and a few other things:

1. What's with your healthcare? Obamacare? Romneycare? Call it whatever you want. It still costs a left kidney and it still sucks. Get on that.

2. Books. They're like iPads but you "turn" or "flip" them instead of "swiping". Apparently this is a confusing concept for many Americans because have you read about America's total lack of literacy? If you are an American adult maybe not, because 20% of you guys read below a 5th grade level. And that's American 5th grade — that's when American children are taught not to put the square peg in the circle-hole. Don't you guys spend like 100 trillion dollars each year on government-mandated standardized tests? What are you testing for? A pulse?

3. Paid vacation. You've never seen that word before, have you? Yeah, that's because you're an American.

4. I keep hearing about how America is the Mecca of freedom of speech and conscience. But I also keep hearing about how some poor baker got his windows smashed in because he didn't want to bake a cake for a gay wedding. Seriously? First of all, why would a gay couple want someone who doesn't agree with their life choices to bake a cake for their "special day" (oh dear)? Isn't "voting with your wallet" an American concept? And second of all, when did America become so hostile to freedom of conscience? — or is it just Christian values that are now prohibited and punished?

Anyway. Watch my video about this. I gave my Green Card to some Syrian guy named Omar. He'll get more mileage out of America than I ever could.


P.S. — We tried growing some of that corn that Khrushchev brought back with him. It didn't go so well.

P.P.S. — In Russia we put mountains of mayonnaise and/or sour cream on everything we eat. And we still have way less heart disease than in America. Explain yourselves.

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