Geriatric Senator Nearly Euthanizes Himself After Learning Trump Doesn't Think America Is Exceptional

Ancient senator and eternal war cheerleader Mitch McConnell can't wrap his head around Trump's crazy new ideas

Sun, Feb 5, 2017 | 3769 Comments
Mitch. A a near-sighted neocon turtle on quaaludes.
Mitch. A a near-sighted neocon turtle on quaaludes.

Do you remember the good ol' days, not so long ago, when the U.S. President understood that America was an infallible beacon of light that rained Skittles on all freedom-loving nations?

Decrepit, war-mongering Senator Mitch McConnell remembers, at least when he doesn't forget to take his meds.

Mitch feels a tingly sensation crawl up his hairy, pale inner thigh every time he thinks of those wonderful, carefree years!

Obama understood that holding the United States to the same standards as everyone else was wrong and bad for Lockheed Martin's stockholders. What happened?

Trump happened. And now those glory years are gone. Gone forever. President Trump says the United States isn't 100% innocent and amazing in every way? Those meddling kids, and their reasonable pragmatism.

Here he is, the old tortoise, trying to wrap his head around Trump's befuddling behavior. Who can understand this new generation, with its blue jeans and Rock N Roll music? And how did this hopeless dinosaur figure out how to get on the tee-vee? That's some high-technology, if you don't mind us saying so, yes siree:

"I'm not going to critique the President's every utterance, but I do think that America is exceptional, America is different..."

In all seriousness, do you know what we like about Mitch McConnell? Nothing.

This is sort of off-topic, but we have always dreamed of writing a comic book series about John McCain, Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham having secret animal morphing abilities, which they would use to sneak into movie theaters without paying, among other antics typical of crusty, diseased warmongers. John McCain would morph into a lizard, Mitch would of course transform into a sad turtle, and Lindsey Graham would just stay the way he is — a closeted homosexual.

The comic book series would come to an abrupt end, probably on the second page of the first issue, when the police discover that the three senators have been harvesting orphan organs in order to prolong their miserable lives. The End.

Interested in pre-purchasing a copy? Make your check payable to Riley Waggaman, Kremlin Troll Den #543, Moscow, Russia. Thank you for your patronage.

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